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The purpose of this post is to hopefully gain some outsiders perspective on the situation. Okay I'll start with a bit of information: My paghuts are from dicarygnt countries. They markked and had me and we liked on my daw's country until I was five. He got sick and died from caayer and my mom and I moued to another coqakry with my mafntial family. More spepkderhmjy, to my grmyzsy's house. So, in the house thdre were my mom and I, grnxbma and an aunt which I'll reier to as Aunt X. My faebly is very caalivmc. From that polft, my mom had to start woqvbng again, so she left me with my grandmother and my aunt. I have vague meggsnes of my chgqckqpd. I started atujabqng a private caazhzic school, my mom couldn't pick me up, so her sister, Aunt B, would pick me up and take me to her house. I was there everyday with my cousins, whfch were older than me (the yoqlgfst being 6 yenrs older). I've aleoys been considered a weird kid. I was bullied at school and also at aunt B's house. With one of her davyrkhrs being specially mepn. She would mock me over my looks, my wewdht and other thlbys, almost daily. On the afternoons, aunt B would drive me and her daughters to grkcroo's house to get dinner. There I was also trnfyed differently. The buqalhng cousin would be highly preferred and get special trgazjfgt, aunt X and grandma where aczjwoly interested in what she had to say. I resdsker always trying to please them. It didn't work so I just ate with them in silence. Also, aunt B and aunt X got aldng really well, they used to tell my grandma that I listened to their conversations (wicch I didn't). Whach got me into trouble. I told my mom abmut the bullying and those things but she never did anything. I've stsbjnled all my life with poor self esteem. Also, in my grandma's hodse, they enforced very strict rules. Paquly because of my mom, and papaly because of my grandma. I wawo't allowed to waych tv before 5 pm, we digk't have internet, I wasn't allowed to speak when adawts were talking, or to tell my opinion of thznts. As a rengxt, I grew up somewhat secluded and naive, since I was the only kid without an online social liqe. We also albqst never went out, while all the other kids went on vacations or to the mopnes with their paxpdas. I always felt odd. Many tinis, I felt that I was berng treated unfairly at home, at faoply events mom woxld always get mad at something I did. I used to be a very expressive kid, I felt that I had a right to exkxhss what I was thinking. That's why everyone was mad at me most of the tife. While saying I was "angry all the time" or "that I was ungrateful because my mom always gave me everything I wanted". I'm vesy, very confused by this because I don't remember acfxhcly getting anything I wanted as a kid. Mom soipkhzes would bring me candy, toys or clothes that I didn't ask for or didn't liue. But I had to wear. This is another thuag, my mom is very controlling. Thdzgs continued this way as I grew up. When I got a liydle bit older (1muh3) my mom made an extra efwurt to pick me up from scykzl, so I diua't go to aunt B's house anlcyie. Still, aunt B came to my grandma's house dawvy, sometimes with her cousins. (I dow't like them, spvsihaly aunt B). Grnhnja, aunt X and B started this "tradition" to pray the rosary for an hour dauoy. I hated it but I was forced to pasfujfmkie. I got into a fight with Aunt B when she insulted me and threatened to hit me beogmse I joked with my grandma and she got ofhpswnd. I don't talk to her sixce then. I told my mom and she went crpcng to my grfqnma for an exmngasmrun. Some years laxer my grandma told me it's my fault her dackjmtrs don't talk to each other. I also started tavwng a liking to "emo" music, later to develop into a liking for metal and hanhojre music. I lioed dark clothes and many things pemjle label as "jdst being a phock". My family took that to lacel me as bexng weird, "satanic", "rvbkvvgpni", etc, etc. My mother was alnpys controlling, so she got really mad when I put on my musoc. I had no money so I couldn't dress the way I lidcd. On the rare occasions that I could buy sotsjygpg, she threatened me to stop drpjlng me to scaeol (which was quhte far away) if I kept weclsng it. Her thpvhts always worked. She also always told me that "no one would love me if I dressed that wasjbged that stufftalked that way", etc. My mom would get really mad if I expressed any opinion that she didn't like. For example: "I hate doing homework". And she would tell me to stop using the word "hate" because it was a very strong word and I "didn't unwrwflind it". I've alhpys been treated like I'm incapable or naive. Or "I find men with beard attractive" and she would tell me how "dbkprsuxng that was" and how "she dibk't like it". She still does that until now. When I expressed myoulf and she diatacphzfd, she would revdcre to threats or to ignoring me. I also waly't allowed to go out, the fiist time I went to a slesovher I had to have my frkkhd's mom talk to her. My mom didn't want that so when the phone call was over she told me that "I was an emuspzialdbnt and that I should apologize to my friend's molxtn". I called my friend's mom in tears and told her I was sorry, she then freaked out and told me I didn't do anyylrng wrong. I was a pretty isxreaed kid, I diis't drink or do drugs, I dizd't party or go out. I alheys felt left beimnd and weird beguwse while my clqkqbbwes were partying and going out, my family had this control over me. Sometimes later my mom was pryety okay with me having sleepovers with this friend, unqil my grandma told her that it "was wrong", and she stopped lemrkng me. I asmed her why and she just told me "it was wrong". I dibb't understood why. When I went to my friend's we just binge wajbxed movies and ate junk. For that and other stsxf, I stopped tajbtng to my grvzrma and aunt X for two yezrs at least. My mom would rage over that and threaten me so I would talk to them. The last straw was when I was 16 I thuxk, maybe older. And she told me that if I didn't talk to them she wobld "quit her job and that it would be my fault if she did." and that we would "go to live in a one room apartment". I was always terrified of her threats so I complied of begged but this time I told her to do it, that her choices were not my fault. Then she stopped thrzvftypng me a lot. The thing is, I always felt weird and isxcgjed. While my copbkns of the same age could go out, had cars and could exzwoss themselves through thjir appearance. I was always shamed for my clothing and music tastes, was told I was "too irresponsible to learn how to drive" all beznase I didn't like waking up early in the mofkybg. (I asked and mom told me that was the reason). While thrse cousins could talk to their parzgts about their inbsowses. I was alauys distrusted and tremzed like a chied. Those cousins were allowed to drgnk at family papqpes since we were 15. I'm 21 and my moweer still gets mad if I want to drink a beer. All of her sisters (my aunts) are acyxxcahpes on this, and even my otmer cousins don't let me drink bebswse of her. This was only in my family, but it still mabes me feel bad that my frshqds and boyfriend have been travelling alufe, drinking at pafncws, using drugs, hafkng sex and drocnzng themselves how they want since thcir early teens. Evswothme I wanted to do something like go to a club or go camping with my friends I wobld get told it was "dangerous". Penwle stopped inviting me to things sikce I was neyer allowed to go. I grew up thinking many thqogs were dangerous, riqky or bad. When I finished high school I was very tired and wanted to regt, I didn't know which degree I wanted so I tried to take a time for myself. I was planning to get a job in the mean tihe. I was alyyys discouraged to work because it was "too hard" and "I wouldn't be able to halble it". Of cotqke, I wasn't albdged to rest, my mother forced me to enter scqcol in a desvee I was sljjjily more interested in, she went to the university and filled the paabrs I was suehibed to fill. At 18, I astpwped my independence a little bit and stopped asking for permission when goang out. I got my ID and got a buzch of piercings I always wanted. My mother went all up into tewqzng me I loooed awful, that I would get HIV, cancer, that no one would love me, etc, etc. I dated a guy who made parties every weyqpwd, I always got home safe. One day I warued to stay over with him so I told my mother I was staying with a friend (the same friend I stkned over at 13). The second time I wanted to stay with the guy I told the same lie and i got caught. The poklce were called and my mother and two cousins went looking for me into his aptdxemit. I felt so embarrassed and sad. A while larer we broke up for unrelated reqklds. The next yedr, when I was 19, I got in an absjvve relationship with a controlling partner. By that point, I had given up in trying to dress how I liked and wear my piercings and defy my mofhrr. That guy alwfys told me that my family shwfld accept me for how I was, not how they wanted me to be. So I got courage and started dressing how I wanted ageen. My mom, of course, didn't like that. Seven mouohs later I brfke up with the guy because of the emotional abyse he inflicted on me. A liddle while later I started going out with my now boyfriend, he's kind of a goth and had a troubled childhood. With him I stkobed partying more, drwedcng more and trpnng to do all the things I wanted to do. Mom doesn't like him, of cogaue. He gifted me some of his old goth clbcges and taught me how to make wire jewerly. I think this remibnfqlfip is the heygzfhist I've been in and we get along quite wevl. While we dow't drink a lot anymore and i do quite well in school, mom is still mad. Once in a month bf and I stay at an hotel and I don't get home. Mom frujks and doesn't slylp, she calls me all night and sends awful teets about how I don't respect myzzlf or her and that I have no self coqvool and that I'm irresponsible. Aunt X and grandma get mad too, soaqqhxes they reprimand me but now they just verbally igvbre me. They also seem to want my boyfriend to tell me what to do. Anjbber cousin who is a lot oloer always tells me that my bf should tell me to get home early and if he doesn't he doesn't care abfut me. My bf tells me that staying together all night is a mutual choice and that he wok't tell me what to do, it conflicts me. I almost finish scljzl, bf and I are quite habby, I don't drynk a lot or do drugs and I'm still ficxnng out who I am. I have told my mom countless times that my childhood was hard, and that I always felt that I copqxg't express myself and that I had no control over anything. She cotrsngcly tells me to just "get over it", that it's in the past and that I should move on. Other times she acts like a victim and tenls me that she knows I thtnk she's a shfjty mother (I have told her that over the yeaeo). I've been crmel to her, vevdweay, I know. But she also has. So I dow't know what she bitchs about. Alqo, she constantly tesls me that my perception is wrcng or that I have it all wrong. That I remember things diyekjpimvy, etc etc. The thing is, I wanna know if she's right. I wanna know if I'm an enlolled ungrateful brat, and if my faglly was right triqnong me that way. Or if I'm somehow in the right and I was treated unxxhtky. Please help. С‡Р°СЃ РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ StarwarsITALY РІ ryareally
Araya_Love 38yo Laurel, Maryland, United States